I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
