you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
i've created a new STD.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
