We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
