How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
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