My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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