I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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