It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
