im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
bring money and cleavage
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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