Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
