He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Also, beer. Big fan.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
