Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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