I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
