Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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