my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
