By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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