I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
