i permit you to call me
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
