I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
