when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
