So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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