Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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