Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
