whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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