I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
