you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
