i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
