he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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