Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize