the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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