oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
