Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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