so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
