My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
