I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
