I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
