Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
