When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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