It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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