Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
