omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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