a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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