So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
