ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
