Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
My life is pants optional.
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