NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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