Taylor Swift is so right about you.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
