he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
