the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
