I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
