Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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