I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
