And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
