WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
