I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
