Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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