His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
