DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
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