she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
