jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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