Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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