There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
