Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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