An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
