RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
