i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
