I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
