Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
