i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
